His glorious monotony invites me in,
invites me to begin again
every unwritten morning.
& i’m content
knowing i’m kept by His constance
& every sunrise is evidence
because today, He paints the sky again
& i’m arrested by this mercy.
pay attention to beginnings
& be brave enough to believe that this Creator has declared us new.
behind my words there’s real frustration in all that i’m not & all that i want to be, but feel i can’t be. behind my words there’s always this restless tension - an impatient yearning to reach a standard of wholeness & perfection before i let anyone get too close. i want things figured out & i want all the answers & there’s a hideous pressure to have everything in life seamless. there’s brutal insecurity & a timid confidence that really wants to create, but is still learning to be sure of itself.
i did myself a favor & walked into an antique shop the other day with some friends. there were hundreds of random things that someone, at some point, claimed as treasure. someone’s hands felt the urge to create with keen attention what they believed resembled worth. the store was scattered with hundreds of brilliant ideas that were followed through by ambitious dreamers. a room full of royal blue teacups & poetry books & weathered chairs & proud jewels. a room full what he, what she, deemed beautiful.
& as i walked around in silent marvel, i wanted to wake up the creativity that grew dormant in me. i felt the need to unleash the passion in me, instead of dulling it to stay safe. i’m tired of staying safe. i felt the urge to make art & invite others into it to discover His extravagance together. what would it look like to live in constant wonder?
because when beauty breathes, i’m reminded that life is urgent & the cost of choosing to simply coast through is tragic. maybe the way He wired me wasn’t accidental.
& maybe the wild way you dream is actually worth His attention because maybe they were His dreams for you before you ever even knew what it meant to really live.
i would argue that the world needs beautiful art. it needs creators & trainers & architects & photographers & business men & business women & poets & preachers & bankers & doctors & designers & teachers.
& even though we’re all a bit unfinished, we create as we seek Him & trust that He’ll somehow use it to redeem the world.
“…so we make lofty art :: see the presence of good art will unconsciously refine a community & poor art will do an incalculable harm.” propaganda :: lofty
this all starts with delight. we’re led by delighting in Christ, delighting in the cross, delighting in being redeemed & delighting in all of who He is. & out of that sheer delight, we create beauty that draws others into the wonder of the Gospel. it’s delight in Him that leads us to all things lovely. because the One we delight in always gives His best when He creates & when He gives.
still He gives His full attention to creation when only the stars are there to watch the wonder. still He gives the trees their leaves & birds their nest & sunflowers the freedom to grow & grow wildly. still He gives untainted mornings & unwasted moments on lone benches perched on the side of the road & a slow pace to the table because the mug is too full & random phone calls from sisters & soft smiles after long days & breakfast out & one way roads that He uses to remind you that there's only one way to live the most abundantly & it starts with Him & it's followed by giving grace & creating art & giving more.
so let’s create out of delight & never grow dull, but always discover & prove that adventure can be holy & love without limits & live all these Gospel moments in crazed abundance.
it’s hard work: learning to be free.
as i write this, every part of my heart that i’ve kept covered so long under the veneer of perfection and together-ness for the sake of looking pretty is cringing at being brought into the light, where really nothing is hidden. exposure can be costly, but i think the cost of staying silent & neatly packaging all my mess is greater.
i’m still learning.
brene brown said that “vulnerability is the birthplace of connection… if it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”
so, here’s my effort at building connection with other hearts that - like mine - struggle & strive to rise higher to become grace-givers & peace-makers & world-changers.
learning to be free. maybe i’m making it harder than it has to be, but these brutal chains that demand an exhausting performance before they unshackle themselves have rusted for years around my hands that were made to serve freely & my feet made to soak richly in seas of crimson. i settled for a cheap gospel that proved no gospel at all when i tasted the bitterness in my pride. in it, left alone & unsustained. my good behavior just was never enough to save me. i knew that then, & i know that now, but still the lies creep in & tell me that i have to earn it, & there’s a part of me that wants to earn it because receiving love from Him - or from anyone for that matter - when you feel nothing more than unworthy is just uncomfortable & humiliating.
& i’m yearning to fly on wings woven in heaven’s throne room by gracious Hands, while angels gaze at their grandeur. Hands that have softly & sufficiently dug in my dirt to uproot all that’s unlovely, sin burrowed deep in my own morality that bared its ugly face at the foot of the cross - sure of its worth - yet still not enough.
& i’m longing for all my anxious thoughts to dissolve into the most beautiful, most simple single thought, for me - for all of us fighting reckless for peace of mind: it is finished. it’s over - there’s nothing left for Him to punish in me. in you.
& when we know this is not simply a shadow of the truth but truth itself, we can believe that surely “you are heaven’s handmade calligraphy… the rightful heir to not just a kingdom, but a universe & you have your daddy’s eyes” (propaganda / it’s complicated).
learning to be free is the revelation that comes when she tells me that it's actually better not to be cookie-cutter & it's better to rejoice in another's world & be ok when i’m not the center of it. it’s the relief that sweeps over me like a mighty wave when i realize i haven't arrived yet, but i’m getting there because there's still time & there's always grace enough for us here, so maybe the most productive thing i can do today is just be.
learning to be free is a consistent reminder that He doesn’t need me, but He wants me & that’s the most beautiful because instead of operating under enormous pressure to perform, I get to discover Him & live like there’s a King who’s actually after the reckless & the wretched, the lost & all the confused lovers.
learning to be free is colorful & breathtaking, stunning & overwhelming. & in Christ, freedom’s mine & it’s yours.
i’m learning more what it means to live free as He continues His work in my messy heart & so i keep stumbling towards the cross & seek to live life beneath it & try to see others through it because the only way i’ll fly on wings woven by His gracious hands is believing He is who He says He is & this isn’t over yet.
i am free & if you believe this, then you are free & that means we can pursue Him & love others in fearless freedom & wild passion.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.