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4/26/2018 0 Comments loose changegraduating in a few weeks has me stuck in whirlwind of emotions, the kind of whirlwind that catches most of us in it who are anticipating an unfamiliar season of change. coming to the end of four years in college has me trying to really pay attention to the things around me, things that i didn’t even know i appreciated — stupid & insanely ordinary things — like the salad bowls in the dining hall and the empty tables in a classroom. i’m finding that my gut reaction when i know there’s change coming is to reach out & grab everything i can, then hold it all tighter with whitened knuckles. in some ways, i think that can be a really good thing. there’s something about holding onto conversations & smiles & clinging to them tightly. but i think the other approach, one that is just as important, is to hold each moment’s gaze, let it sit in open hands, then let it go.
these days, everything is in overdrive: my senses, my excitement, my fear & my logic that is wildly inhibited when it comes to sorting out the future. i’d like to say i haven’t cried as much as expected, but that’s a lie. i’ve learned that all it takes is for my sister to ask me over the phone how i’m really doing, or a friend to hug me tighter than usual, or a professor pass me in the hallway & ask me how i’m finishing out, for the tears to make their debut somewhere behind closed doors. the other night i cried (again) this time in the car with my boyfriend — mostly tears that stemmed from fear & frustration. he listened as i told him frank how i don’t know where to put my these scary feelings about the uncertainty of the future, but i felt like i needed to seal them up in a container somewhere. i needed somewhere to freaking put them. i told him i don’t want them in the present because they poison my moments & i hate them here, but they also have to be somewhat dealt with & sifted through. what a balance that is to strike. what i really need is to stuff them in a ziploc bag, seal it, then throw the bag away. not much was resolved that night, i didn’t expect anything to be, besides him reassuring me that everything will be ok & making me laugh & i left the car determined to really enjoy the moments left in houghton, new york, whatever form they come in. i’m trying to collect moments like loose change & put some in my pocket to take out & reminisce for later & others i’m trying to hold their value in open hands the moment they come before letting them go, fully knowing the gift. i hate cliches but i’m gonna throw one out anyways: change is good. it really is. but change is also hard & there’s no pretty way to anticipate it, or endure it. but i’d rather it not look pretty, anyways. that was never my style. so, if you or a person you love is anticipating some season of change, i encourage you to build them up. gosh, i’m learning it takes a lifetime to build up a heart. don’t ever stop building up hearts. build up the ones around you until your hands are blistered & your voice is hoarse & your back aches from carrying their burdens. those are the moments worth collecting, worth putting in your pocket for later, & the ones worth letting go.
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October 2020
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