sometimes the best way to process is through writing a letter to yourself. i believe a pen has eyes and the practice of writing penetrates the soil of a soul and reveals our roots. in other words, the act of writing heals and reveals what we otherwise might’ve missed in our rushing from one thing to the next.
you are trying and you are striving to grow into many things. in the past few months you have become painfully aware of the parts of yourself you were blind to before.
marriage and change unravels a heart and redefines growth in a way you didn’t know was possible.
and with that awareness comes an ache. it’s uncomfortable. take for example how you are acutely aware of your sensitive heart. this is your strength. but sometimes it throws you in a pit of self-pity. you find yourself too busy tending to your own pain that you lose the ability to see another’s pain. you want to become the person who’s sensitivity is always your strength, and never your weapon.
you are strong and sometimes afraid. resilient and fragile. stubborn and always sensitive.
when you show up this way, you represent the whole of you, not just half of you. it is messy and it is stunning when you show up as the whole of you, not just the half you want people to see. you know, your safe half.
sometimes your aim is to be chameleon-like, to adapt, to blend, to be who they want you to be in the given situation, conversation.
this should not be.
because when you do, you steal from yourself. you soften the creator’s design.
but when you show up as all of who you are, trusting that every part of you is on purpose — your opinions, experiences, mistakes, beliefs, grief, why’s, convictions, all on purpose, you embrace abundance. an abundant way of living because it offers a passageway to your heart, towards being fully known.
lately, insecurity has been suffocating you. it has sunk its teeth into your whole and you’ve shown up this way. you often leave conversations feeling down, frustrated, misunderstood, rejected.
but it’s because you kept a handful of vulnerable parts of your whole behind your back. a handful that holds your whys, grief, beliefs.
(note : you may leave a conversation feeling down even when you were vulnerable. that's ok. as long as you showed up as the whole of you.)
it’s kinda like when a child comes up to you and you realize they’re holding something behind their back and you might ask them “hey, what do ya got there behind your back? show me!” and they might show you, or for one reason or another, they might not.
and sometimes you show up like this child. hiding your reasons for things. how you really feel.
i know, you’re scared. to be vulnerable is to risk. but sometimes you show up and you have your handful behind your back after someone asks in so many words and ways
“beth, what do ya got there?”
"what do you think?"
“how are you?”
because you’d rather be impressive than known. you’d rather prove something than be embraced as a human becoming.
but it’s part of you! remember? all the parts of you are on purpose. 100% of them. and to love is to be vulnerable. and you can either be impressive or you can be known. and the way to abundance is through the undoing, the breaking, the connecting, the embracing, the exposing.
you believe that.
what you need to remember is that whether you choose to show up in whole, or show up in part, there are risks to both.
to hide your handful might make you impressive.
but to be vulnerable opens up the possibility of being fully known.
and you know the risk worth taking, you do.
strength is showing up with nothing hidden behind your back. it’s showing up with all the parts of you, whether you say them or not, you show up as a whole, inviting every part to the conversation. you show up with nothing to prove. nothing to earn.
this is the freedom in becoming. the freedom in contentment. the freedom in abundance.
it’s the ability to hold out our hands to the people we love, to the people we trust, the people who’ve told us they want to know us, who've told us they aren't going anywhere (bc of quarantine but also bc of love) and exposing our palms that hold our why’s, grief, beliefs, mistakes, and in honesty — because that’s all we have — say : this is me. unfinished. in process. and i’m choosing to show up this way because at the end of my life, i wanna live known by you rather than live striving to impress you.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.