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10/2/2017 1 Comment still learningit’s hard work: learning to be free.
// as i write this, every part of my heart that i’ve kept covered so long under the veneer of perfection and together-ness for the sake of looking pretty is cringing at being brought into the light, where really nothing is hidden. exposure can be costly, but i think the cost of staying silent & neatly packaging all my mess is greater. i’m still learning. brene brown said that “vulnerability is the birthplace of connection… if it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” so, here’s my effort at building connection with other hearts that - like mine - struggle & strive to rise higher to become grace-givers & peace-makers & world-changers. // learning to be free. maybe i’m making it harder than it has to be, but these brutal chains that demand an exhausting performance before they unshackle themselves have rusted for years around my hands that were made to serve freely & my feet made to soak richly in seas of crimson. i settled for a cheap gospel that proved no gospel at all when i tasted the bitterness in my pride. in it, left alone & unsustained. my good behavior just was never enough to save me. i knew that then, & i know that now, but still the lies creep in & tell me that i have to earn it, & there’s a part of me that wants to earn it because receiving love from Him - or from anyone for that matter - when you feel nothing more than unworthy is just uncomfortable & humiliating. & i’m yearning to fly on wings woven in heaven’s throne room by gracious Hands, while angels gaze at their grandeur. Hands that have softly & sufficiently dug in my dirt to uproot all that’s unlovely, sin burrowed deep in my own morality that bared its ugly face at the foot of the cross - sure of its worth - yet still not enough. & i’m longing for all my anxious thoughts to dissolve into the most beautiful, most simple single thought, for me - for all of us fighting reckless for peace of mind: it is finished. it’s over - there’s nothing left for Him to punish in me. in you. & when we know this is not simply a shadow of the truth but truth itself, we can believe that surely “you are heaven’s handmade calligraphy… the rightful heir to not just a kingdom, but a universe & you have your daddy’s eyes” (propaganda / it’s complicated). learning to be free is the revelation that comes when she tells me that it's actually better not to be cookie-cutter & it's better to rejoice in another's world & be ok when i’m not the center of it. it’s the relief that sweeps over me like a mighty wave when i realize i haven't arrived yet, but i’m getting there because there's still time & there's always grace enough for us here, so maybe the most productive thing i can do today is just be. learning to be free is a consistent reminder that He doesn’t need me, but He wants me & that’s the most beautiful because instead of operating under enormous pressure to perform, I get to discover Him & live like there’s a King who’s actually after the reckless & the wretched, the lost & all the confused lovers. learning to be free is colorful & breathtaking, stunning & overwhelming. & in Christ, freedom’s mine & it’s yours. // i’m learning more what it means to live free as He continues His work in my messy heart & so i keep stumbling towards the cross & seek to live life beneath it & try to see others through it because the only way i’ll fly on wings woven by His gracious hands is believing He is who He says He is & this isn’t over yet. i am free & if you believe this, then you are free & that means we can pursue Him & love others in fearless freedom & wild passion.
1 Comment
Susan Gaechter
10/3/2017 07:00:11 am
Beautifully said. Keep up the good work. You will be a blessing to many.
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