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1/5/2018 2 Comments growing less dormanti’m on a quest to live fully alive. at this point, i’m not even really sure if i know what i mean by that, all i know is i want to explore & exhaust its possibility in 2018.
january 1st has a notorious habit of shaking me a bit - yeah, another year has passed & i can feel the hands of my heart & mind scrambling to gather every piece of wisdom & knowledge & every memory & experience i’ve gained & encountered in the past year, so as to prove to the people around me that “yes i have grown this year & this is how...” just in case they ask. at the end of every year, it's like i need to compose a neat list of the strides i’ve made. at the end of this december, i opened up my journal to write. & as i scrawled down a half-hearted prayer to God, i realized i had nothing to give Him except more broken shards, more guilt that i was tired of lugging around, more anxiety that i felt had become like an annoying sibling i was tired of wrestling with. then i turned to the first page in that same journal i started at the beginning of 2017. it was the same kinda lines i was writing at the end of this december & i realized that maybe growth isn’t always what we’d imagine it’d feel like. it sure feels a lot less glamorous than i ever thought it would & it happens small & it happens slow & it happens when i feel like it’s really not happening at all because my brother told me that even when you admit you don’t feel like you’re growing, that’s growth. growth is a good desire - a really good one. & as for me, i’m growing jagged & straight, lopsided & lean, sideways & straightforward. this past year, fear made a coward out of me on backroads & in notebooks & silenced all my courage. i floundered in a sea of still maturing emotions & let its waves crash me, shake me, change me. i trusted too many voices, let them all pound me at once & discredited the joy found in the journey. i forgot what “journey” meant, what it entails, what it requires. this past year, i grew thankful for possibility & finally held onto opportunity. i dangled my feet off the edge & stopped apologizing for how i’m wired & let brave sprout on the dry parts of my heart. i looked forward & i looked back & i lived now & i loved in vulnerability & trusted i was loved in return, regardless. i let healing words soak into me like balm & worshipped under stars when i felt the most unworthy to be there & i let the gift of presence cherish me in my mess. i leapt & i listened & i learned that grace gives up on no one, giving me the most hope that His mercy goes to the greatest lengths for me & for you. i sat across the table from people who really care, really love & really know that God has this whole thing in the hollow of His scarred hands & He will not ever let us go. so here’s to 2018, in the quest to live fully alive & the pursuit of discovering all that it means.
2 Comments
Susan Gaechter
1/6/2018 12:26:07 pm
Bethany, once again you have expressed yourself beautifully! You are right... growth isn't necessarily glamorous. You also have a very wise brother! Remember growth takes time and you are growing more lovely with each passing year. Continue to keep your eyes on Jesus. May God continue to richly bless you in your quest. With Love and prayers, Auntie Sue
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Susan Gaechter
1/18/2018 02:04:26 pm
Bethany, Just read this and thought it tied in a bit to what you wrote. "Here, the Christian is always unsettled; he feels that he has not yet attained. There(heaven), all are at rest; they have attained the summit of the mountain; they have ascended to the bosom of their God. Higher they cannot go. Ah, toil worn labourer, only think when thou shalt rest for ever!" Spurgeon
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